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User blog:SnickersDoge/Dogkid's Guide to the Galaxy
400px Prologue �� kind of got bored this originally started out as me reading out things on How to Annoy People on chat. Then I kind of made my own book. This is a guide about my advice to you on how to live in the galaxy. I might make each chapter more than just advice, and maybe in-depth advice. Chapter 1 Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. ��ecause usually it's a big plot twist, cliffhanger, or sad ending that is never explained or continued until 2 years later. Scientific studies show that 99.9% of audiences that watch the last five minutes of a TV show or movie have "Prolonged Exposure" that drives them insane, leaving them to post crack videos of their favorite scenes, have ridiculous theories, compare the characters to food and animals, and many more. You don't want to go insane, end up in a white-padded room in a straitjacket, and miss the due-date for your homework, do you? Sure, you get out of school, but what about your friends that know you're locked up in a psychopath room, that can't hold secrets, and will tell the whole school? If you want to survive the galaxy, don't go insane; you might even try to kill the writers (or even succeed) of the show that drove you crazy! Stay normal, don't turn into a serial killer, and stay away! Simple, right? Don't go crazy by watching the last 5 minutes of a TV show or movie, survive the galaxy... Chapter 2 Sample every flavor of ice cream and tell the clerk what you don't like about each one. ��ecause it pays to know what's bad about each ice cream flavor the next time you go there. If you want to survive the galaxy, it pays to remember the cons of all the flavors; you'll always know why you don't like it. If there's a new flavor one day you enter the shop, sample it, tell the clerk why you don't like it, now you have another flavor you'll always know why you don't like. If you can't remember each flavor, then form a Mind-Palace, and forget all the useless stuff like the solar system. You'll have room to store all my advice once you forget the irrelevant and unimportant things, such as the things you don't like about each ice cream. Or, you can just write it down in a notebook, but a Mind-Palace is much more funner. Not knowing what you don't like about each ice cream flavor can be disastrous. Since you don't know what you don't like about the flavor, you'll order it, then end up wasting money because you find out what's wrong with it. Ice cream is everything in the galaxy... Chapter 3 Don't panic and carry a towel. �� towel is useful for many things. You can wrap it around you when traveling through cold climate. The Alaskan plains during winter, perhaps, or maybe just a stroll from your car to the heat of the grocery store. Also, when in shock, you can use it as a shock blanket. Just experienced almost dying? A shock blanket should help out. It's also good if you're sweating. You usually only bring a towel to the beach or to the shower, but bringing one everywhere can be very useful. Chapter 4 Stare at people for about five minutes, making sure they know you're staring at them. Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Sniff their head, then run away. Repeat. ��eduction is an important part of surviving. Learn the basics of deduction, such as reading a book about it or googling deducing tips, then try this. The person you're doing it to will just brush you off as a mental hospital patient and most likely mutter a reply and continue what they were doing. This is a good thing to do to deduce people if you're not good with afar deducing. Even if you can deduce people from afar, you can learn a lot more from getting closer to someone. Your deducing skills may say the person is bad, and will maybe hurt you for doing your thing. Only do this tip if you're sure your target cause any further damage. Remember, this is a good deducing tip, but you should try to learn how to deduce from afar, or try and make smaller deductions out of bigger ones. Chapter 5 Learn the Animaniacs' Nation's of the World song and win at Social Studies/history class. ��t names all the nations, including the very small ones, for Doge's sake! It's a very catchy song, it'll probably take a few months, just enough time before your final exams on the nations. Good grades in school will make you look good in the future. If you want to survive and look smart, this is a very helpful tip. Maybe listen to it on loop for about an hour everyday, or every weekend, and try to do it on breaks. Having troubles? Remember chapter two and how it talked about forming a Mind Palace; they're very helpful and easy to access information from. If you have to mark certain places on a map, also try to remember where the Animaniac character is pointing. Try and match up the locations and the nation names, that'll certainly keep you surviving the galaxy. Chapter 6 Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. ��reat distractions start with excellent boredom busters. This can help you distract certain people, but not for long. Some might not even noticed you just flipped your ink cartridge across the room. The ones that notice might give you a look meaning "Grow up" or "Do you even lift?" This is great to do if you're dying for inspiration or boredom busting. It's also a good thing to fiddle with. If you accidentally flip the cartridge at someone, it probably one go far, depending on the momentum. Chapter 7 Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a." ��ho uses phone books these days? Who cares, changing your name to "John Aaaaasmith" ("Joan Aaaaasmith" if you're a girl) will surely catch the people that actually read the phone book's attention. Soon enough, you'll be famous around the town, maybe even making local news. Sure, that's not all the glory you get. Maybe a relative forgot your phone number, all they have to do is open up the phone book's first page and, there you are, "John/Joan Aaaaasmith." Maybe you've fallen down and can't get up, but you don't have life alert because you're young, and a relative happens to phone you and you don't answer. They'll rush to your house to discover your corpse, get Sherlock, and he deduces that you died of watching the last five minutes of a TV series in shock body. Hopefully you'll be safe, after all, they came to your house earlier than they should of had if your name wasn't Aaaaasmith. Chapter 8 Go canoeing and sing the Hawaii Five-0 theme. ��t may make you look immature, but if you want to survive canoeing you need something to keep your mind engaged. It makes you feel confident. Turn your social life around; ditch those boots and homely gown. It will help you with one small fee. Chapter 9 Secretly learn to play the piano, then go to a friend's house who has a piano. Claim you've never played before then play Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring perfectly the first time. Then say, "I guess I must kinda be a natural." ��heir face when they hear you play perfectly! Keep denying it when they say you're lying when you say you've never played before. This will help you look fabulous among your friends and peers. Chapter 10 Phone McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening. ��ometimes we just feel like our favorite restaurant won't have enough seats by the time we arrive. Chapter 11 Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go." ��ecause sometimes the cashiers don't understand. Epilogue That's it, my dear Doges-in-training. Once you've successfully survived the galaxy for about a year, you'll be upgraded to a real Doge. And, even better, once you successfully live life, you become a God-Doge; living in the clouds! Some of these tips may seem ridiculous at first, but do them, unless you don't want to survive the galaxy. Life may seem simple, you may had of thought you knew how to live life correctly before reading this book, but these tips are true life-savers. Go on, now, I will live in your heart and many other souls. You'll be wishing you could thank me personally once you find out how wonderful your life is now that you've done my tips! Category:Blog posts